If you trust in yourself. . .and believe in your dreams. . .and follow your star. . . you'll still get beaten by people who spent their time working hard and learning things and weren't so lazy.

Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.

Life is wasted on the living.

Reality continues to ruin my life.

Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

Outside of a dog a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Tweeting is really only good for one thing - it's just good for tweeting... It is rewarding because it's just its own reward. It's sort of like heaven.

If this is coffee please bring me some tea, but if this is tea please bring me some coffee.

I don't know the question but sex is definitely the answer

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Common looking people are the best in the world: that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them.

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.