Mark Twain

Love is when two people know everything about each other and are still friends. 

Life is short, break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably, and never regret anything that made you smile.

It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world, and moral courage so rare.

The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.

Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

Action speaks louder than words, but not nearly as often.

To succeed in life you need two things: ignorance and confidence.

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

The secret of getting ahead is getting started.

'Classic.' A book which people praise and don't read.

There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded.

All generalizations are false including this one.

The trouble is not in dying for a friend, but in finding a friend worth dying for.

Politicians and diapers should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it.

A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.

Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live.

God created war so that Americans would learn geography.

I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.

Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all of one’s lifetime.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind it doesn't matter.

Reader suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and starting on the first one.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

Facts are stubborn but statistics are more pliable.

The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.

A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.

Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself.

Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination.

I've lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.

What a wee little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head and is known to none but himself.

The lack of money is the root of all evil.

History doesn't repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great.

Grief can take care of itself, but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty.

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do.

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir... mighty scarce.

Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and man.

Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.

Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.

It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.

I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting.

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.

Don't tell fish stories where the people know you, but particularly don't tell them where they know the fish.

Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it.

There are times when one would like to hang the whole human race and finish the farce.

Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.

What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing he knew nobody had said it before.

A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.

The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice.

George Washington as a boy was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments of youth. He could not even lie.

A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.

It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected.

Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very", your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I have made it a rule never to smoke more that one cigar at a time.

It is just like man's vanity and impertinence to call an animal dumb because it is dumb to his dull perceptions.

Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.

All you need is ignorance and confidence and the success is sure.

Man - a creature made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.

Necessity is the mother of taking chances.

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.

When people do not respect us we are sharply offended, yet in his private heart no man much respects himself.

Ideally a book would have no order to it and the reader would have to discover his own.

The more you explain it, the more I don't understand it.

When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.

Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned.

To refuse awards is another way of accepting them, with more noise than is normal.

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.

Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.

It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.

A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.

It is better to deserve honors and not have them, than to have them and not deserve them.

Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.

The more things are forbidden the more popular they become.

It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.

It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.

The human race has one really effective weapon and that is laughter.

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.

Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.

There are lies, damned lies, and statistics.

Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.

I didn't attend the funeral but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.

Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered - either by themselves or by others.

When in doubt, tell the truth.

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.

When red-haired people are above a certain social grade, their hair is auburn.

Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly and I did. I said I didn't know.

Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.

The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same but the medical practice changes.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.

I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me, I always feel that they have not said enough.

I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.

Only kings, presidents, editors and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial "we."

Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.

Everything has its limit - iron ore cannot be educated into gold.

If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later.

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

Never pick a fight with people who buy ink by the barrel.

A person who won't read has no advantage over one who can't read.

Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.

Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.

As an example to others, and not that I care for moderation myself, it has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep and never to refrain from smoking when awake.

Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins.

Patriotism is supporting your country all the time and your government when it deserves it.

A round man cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away. He must have time to modify his shape.

Golf is a good walk spoiled.

When angry - count to four; when very angry - swear.

I must have a prodigious quantity of mind, it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.

The secret source of humor is not joy, but sorrow, there is no humor in Heaven.

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

Thunder is good, thunder is impressive, but it is lightning that does the work.

The main difference between a cat and a lie is that a cat only has nine lives.

You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

Prosperity is the best protector of principle.

The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane.

Better a broken promise than none at all.

My books are like water, those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water.

The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve man but deteriorate the cat.

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.

Buy land, they're not making it anymore.

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much, if he is an optimist after it he knows too little.

When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.

If it's your job to eat a frog it's best to do it first thing in the morning. And If it's your job to eat two frogs it's best to eat the biggest one first.

Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.

Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul.

Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't.

It is not best that we should all think alike, it is a difference of opinion that makes horse races.

A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

Books are for people who wish they were somewhere else.

Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.

Words are only painted fire, a look is the fire itself.

Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.

Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

There are people who can do all fine and heroic things, but one - keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy.

Let us not be too particular, it is better to have old secondhand diamonds than none at all.

When a person cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive other people.

Drag your thoughts away from your troubles... by the ears, by the heels or any other way you can manage it.

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority it is time to pause and reflect.

To be good is noble, but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble.

Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.

By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's I mean.

Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.

My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.

We are all alike on the inside.

Loyalty to the country always. Loyalty to the government when it deserves it.

Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation.

We have the best government that money can buy.

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

Man is the only animal that blushes - or needs to.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

The wit knows that his place is at the tail of a procession.

Be careless in your dress if you will, but keep a tidy soul.

Man will do many things to get himself loved, he will do all things to get himself envied.

Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.

Prophesy is a good line of business, but it is full of risks.

Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable.

The human race is a race of cowards, and I am not only marching in that procession, but carrying a banner.

But who prays for Satan? Who in eighteen centuries has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.

The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.

Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.

I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.

Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

No sinner is ever saved after the first twenty minutes of a sermon.

The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right.

Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense.

Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising.

He is now rising from affluence to poverty.

Lord, save us all from a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms.

There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice.

The Public is merely a multiplied "me."

We Americans... bear the ark of liberties of the world.

All right, then I'll go to hell.

I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one.

In the Spring I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.

Man was made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.

Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing wrong with this, except that it ain't so.

Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary.

The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.

It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt.

The finest clothing made is a person's own skin but, of course, society demands something more than this.

The educated Southerner has no use for an 'R' except at the beginning of a word.

Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.

If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.

There is no distinctly American criminal class - except Congress.

Biographies are but the clothes and buttons of the man. The biography of the man himself cannot be written.

Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

Water taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.

Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today.

Good breeding consists in concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person.

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress, but I repeat myself.

The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.

I've never let my school interfere with my education.

The public is the only critic whose opinion is worth anything at all.

Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.

In the first place God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't.

It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native criminal class, except Congress.

She was not quite what you would call refined. She was not quite what you would call unrefined. She was the kind of person that keeps a parrot.

It is easier to stay out than get out.

I make it a rule never to smoke while I'm sleeping.

Such is the human race often it seems a pity that Noah... didn't miss the boat.

What, sir, would the people of the earth be without woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.

Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which before their union were not perceived to have any relation.

Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream.

Don't let schooling interfere with your education.

I can live for two months on a good compliment.

I don't give a damn for a man that can only spell a word one way.

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.