Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg

Mitchell Lee "Mitch" Hedberg (February 24, 1968 – March 30, 2005) was an American stand-up comedian known for his surreal humor and unconventional comedic delivery. His comedy typically featured short, sometimes one-line jokes mixed with absurd elements and non sequiturs.

Enjoy the best Mitch Hedberg picture quotes.

Read more about Mitch Hedberg on Wikipedia.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish they just want to make it late for something.

I'm against picketing but I don't know how to show it.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am 1 000 of something is too many. I'll have 1 000 pieces of noodles.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I was at this casino minding my own business and this guy came up to me and said "You're gonna have to move you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs you are never blocking a fire exit.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

I haven't slept for ten days because that would be too long.

I like to hold the microphone cord like this I pinch it together then I let it go then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin' and hook up with them later.

I know a lot about cars man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.

Every time I go and shave I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say 'I'm gonna go shave too.'

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get I'll never be as good as a wall.

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.

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