Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg

Mitchell Lee "Mitch" Hedberg (February 24, 1968 – March 30, 2005) was an American stand-up comedian known for his surreal humor and unconventional comedic delivery. His comedy typically featured short, sometimes one-line jokes mixed with absurd elements and non sequiturs.

Enjoy the best Mitch Hedberg picture quotes.

Read more about Mitch Hedberg on Wikipedia.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

I wanted to buy a candle holder but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.

Do you think I am standing here making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

My sister wanted to be an actress but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress she just never gets called to the set.

My belt holds my pants up but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

I had a stick of CareFree gum but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble but as soon as the gum lost its flavor I was back to pondering my mortality.

I wear a necklace cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

When someone hands you a flyer it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah I remember that... day.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No but I want a regular banana later so... yeah.'

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good and make a cart.

I like Kit-Kat unless I'm with four or more people.

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to too.

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