Fran Lebowitz

Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try.

Humility is no substitute for a good personality.

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater, suggest that he wear a tail.

As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

Polite conversation is rarely either.

Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add.

Calling a taxi in Texas is like calling a rabbi in Iraq.

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.

All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.

The conversational overachiever is someone whose grasp exceeds his reach. This is possible, but not attractive.

There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior.

If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.

Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is simply a good excuse not to play football.

In real life I assure you there is no such thing as algebra.

Scientists - the crowd that for dash and style make the general public look like the Bloomsbury set.

Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life I assure you there is no such thing as algebra.

I must take issue with the term 'a mere child ' for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult.

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you.

Never relinquish clothing to a hotel valet without first specifically telling him that you want it back.