Dave Barry

Dave Barry

David McAlister "Dave" Barry (born July 3, 1947) is a Pulitzer Prize winning American author and columnist, who wrote a nationally syndicated humor column for the Miami Herald from 1983 to 2005. He has also written numerous books of humor and parody, as well as comedic novels.

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Read more about Dave Barry on Wikipedia.

A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.

European toilet paper is made from the same material that Americans use for roofing which is why Europeans tend to remain standing throughout soccer matches.

Admit it sport-utility-vehicle owners! It's shaped a little differently but it's a station wagon! And you do not drive it across rivers! You drive it across the Wal-Mart parking lot!

I do not mean to suggest for a moment that all it takes to be a top executive is a custom-tailored European suit. You also need the correct shirt and tie.

Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons.

The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose " which is also sometimes called "grape sugar" and also because "Grape Nuts" is catchier in terms of marketing than "A Cross Between Gerbil Food and Gravel " which is what it tastes like.

Experts agree that the best type of computer for your individual needs is one that comes on the market about two days after you actually purchase some other computer.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero meaning "ability to " and bics meaning "withstand tremendous boredom

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

UNIVAC: a device which contained 20 000 vacuum tubes occupied 1 500 square feet and weighed 40 tons, there was also a laptop version weighing 27 tons.

A Mission Statement is a dense slab of words that a large organization produces when it needs to establish that its workers are not just sitting around downloading Internet porn

I gotta tell you ... It's pretty crazy when you think about taking whatever's on the other end of that line and bringing it in here.

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.

Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.

The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time and I doubt that anybody would notice.

Dogs need to sniff the ground, it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper containing all kinds of late-breaking news items which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard.

Thanks to my solid academic training today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information which is how I got a good job in journalism.

Software is usually accompanied by documentation in the form of big fat scary manuals that nobody ever reads. In fact for the past five years most of the manuals shipped with software products have actually been copies of Stephen King's The Stand with new covers pasted on.

'You kids are just going to miss out on all the AAIIIEEE.'' This is the noise you make when you pick up a splinter the size of a harpoon.

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